August 2011
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Sometimes, I cannot resist engaging them. However,...
Guy: I fucking hate it when girls play this game. They always suck. It’s making me suck.
Me: Yeah, it’s probably my fault, not your shitty aim.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you five hundred pound cum dumpster. Get off the couch.
Me: Yes. I am a five hundred pound cum dumpster. Actually, more. A thousand pound cum dumpster. I am so fat that when your dad is enthusiastically going down on...
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Totally dick thing I do:
Prior to the start of the movie, when a theater is empty or only partly full, I will pretend to have a disgusting, hacking, wet cough in order to prevent people from sitting directly behind, beside, or in front of me. Not in a full theater and not once the previews start — I’m not a complete asshole — only when idiots try to sit, like, directly beside me even though there’s...
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“Do you know why your baby is crying? Because it’s 10:30 at night and...”
– A Movie Theater Etiquette Manifesto
I’m not all, “Think of the children!” About most things because I think children are resilient and smart and don’t need to be protected from every little thing. But when your kid is interrupting my adult activity — late movie,...
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"Call of Duty: Black Ops"
1) Every so often, after I’ve listened to twenty minutes of, “You faggot gay faggoty tryhard faggot gay gay noob!” I snap and end up calling a bunch of pre-pubescent boys “little shits” and suggest that their mother carrying them to term was a mistake that the universe should course correct for. I am not sure how I’ve never been banned.
2) I know this is a...
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“Your profile stated that your location was “Your mommas panties”...”
– XBLPET Lima, a Xbox Live Policy Enforcement forum mod.
The Xbox Live suspension forum is my daily dose of schadenfreude. I love watching people cry about how they shouldn’t be banned for doing something little like having “kill teh BLAX” or screaming obscenities into the mic or...
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"The Odd Life Of Timothy Green"
Q: Dear Pop Culture Mulcher, Is growing a creepy-ass grade schooler from wishes, steno pad paper, and dirt a good movie premise?
A: No.
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Actual Thing I Want
Amazon to update the Kindle OS to allow me to select which screensaver images I want to use, AND for them to offer (sell) alternative screen saver images.
I am never enthused to turn off my Kindle at night, only to roll over the next morning and find Emily Dickinson staring at me from my nightstand with her dead looking eyes. Yes, I understand that I can turn off the screensaver altogether. I...
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“Then she writes out the lyrics to Debby Boone’s ‘You Light Up My...”
– An Amazon reviewer accurately sums up why nobody should ever read Melissa Sue Anderson’s dull as dirt memoir about being Mary on “Little House On the Prairie.”
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Anonymous asked: whats the book about a boy that refused to say the pledge of allegiance, the one that was afraid of getting an erection in class and the one that everything he touched would turn to chocolate? please, i want to read them.
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I saw some dude complaining on a forum that there...
Oh, I’m sorry, I was unaware that reading about a girl who, like, babysits or solves mysteries or lives with her little brother in the Metropolitan Museum of Art like a FUCKING BADASSÂ would hurt your son’s penis or something.
Do you have any idea how many books about boys I read as a child and teen? A whole big ass bunch. I read about boys who ran track, traveled through time, played...
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Reading a book about the Donner Party and came to...
1) I’m REALLY not in the mood to eat meat in the near future,
2) But I would go cannibal in a heartbeat. Oh, Tim just died and we are out of pinecone soup? Thanks for the stew, dude. Sad that Hypothetical Tim just died, yes, but totally remorseless about gnawing on him. If I died, I would encourage my fellow trapped, starving comrades to chow down and not make a big thing of it. I mean,...
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“Aw, that cheered me up. This is really heartwarming.”
– Me, when watching that episode of “Breaking Bad” where Jesse tells the tweaker’s kid to cover his eyes so he won’t see his father’s head being squished by an ATM.
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